Thursday, April 18, 2024

Why Christianity Is NOT A Relationship

by Dr. Bob Gray Sr.

When I first began to write this article I had another title. I was going to call it “Christianity Is Not a Relationship.” I decided to minimize the hate mail a bit and changed the title. There seems to be a catch phrase that has caught on and gained momentum like an avalanche . I hear it and read it everywhere both among liberals and among independent Baptists. It is a cutesy little statement, “Christianity is a relationship.” Another version is, “Christianity is not a religion. It is a relationship.”

Now, how could anyone, other than a Westboro Baptist Church type of Christian argue with this? I mean it sounds good and on the surface there is some truth to it, but it falls short of being totally true. Unfortunately this did not start with those of us who are fundamental Christians. It started with the New Age Christians. It was meant as a “put down” of anyone who preached against sin and for standards and convictions. It minimized the authority of the Scriptures and maximized a contemplative type of “Christianity.”

Allow me to amend the statement a bit. Here is my version. Relationship is the by-product of obedience. In fact all relationships are actually by-products. We know that David was called “the man after God’s own heart,” but this was the by-product of the life David lived in obedience to God. Abraham was called the “friend of God,” but again this was after the fact of his faith and obedience.

We are told that we are God’s friend IF we do whatsoever He commands us to do. We are servants until that time. If we were accurate we would have to say that “Christianity is service to God.” You are not God’s friend unless you obey Him. Relationship is never sought after but gained as a by-product of doing what we ought to do.

When I met my wife I made a decision to love her. I set out not to have a great relationship with my wife but to do what the Bible commanded me to do as a husband. Today after almost 50 years of marriage I can say that we have a great relationship. I don’t think we ever sat around and discussed having a great relationship.
We were too busy serving one another and raising a family together to worry about a relationship, but our commitment to the institution of marriage, to God and to being what we were supposed to be gave us a great relationship. Sometimes we spent more “quiet time” together than others. When the kids were small we fought for quiet time but our relationship was growing because we were still honoring our vows and serving one another.

When my four children were born I did not raise them to have a good relationship with me. I raised them to be obedient, to have character, to have morals and to become what God wanted them to be. The relationship was a bit one sided. They did what I said and I didn’t do what they said. I gave the orders and they obeyed. When I told one of my sons to mow the grass, he did not say, “But dad, I just want to have a good relationship with you, after all dad, ‘family life is a relationship.'” Had he said that he would have broken the relationship by not obeying me.

Samuel even told Saul “Obedience is better than sacrifice.” What was Samuel saying. He was saying the relationship of sacrifice takes a back seat to obeying the commands of God. So perhaps we should say that Christianity is not a relationship. It is obedience.

My sons are now my friends because they learned to do what I said. When I gave the command they obeyed me and the relationship was good. If not, well the relationship was not so good. This “Christianity is a relationship” portrays God as not caring what we do as long as we are close to Him. That is nonsense.

We get close to God by obeying Him. Period. End of sentence. Faith is not a feeling. It is trusting God enough to do what He says to do. The Bible is replete with the stories of those who became friends of God after they had learned to trust Him.

Certainly Jesus had a relationship with his disciples but it was student/teacher relationship. Truthfully it was a rather one sided “relationship” up to and even after His death and resurrection. They messed up over and over again and didn’t even recognize Him on the road to Emmaus. He told them specifically how to be His friend and it wasn’t more “quiet time.” It was more obedience.

We must never forget that there are conditions on relationships. Jesus said IF you obey my commandments, THEN you are my friends. I have never had a relationship that was based upon the relationship itself but on the conditions of that particular situation. As a student at Hyles Anderson College I did what my professors told me and eventually built a relationship with them.

Relationships are built from the position of authority to the position of submission. Let me explain. I developed a close relationship with Dr. Hyles over the years. We did not ever just hang out together. Many tried harder to be close to him than I did. Let me tell you what I did do. I filled his coffee cup when it was empty. I honored him every chance I got. I served him in any way he needed.

I was his servant and he once said, “Dr. Gray, you are closer to me than most people who want and seek to be close to me.” Honestly I was not seeking to be close to him. I wanted to learn from him and in so doing we became close.

Jesus said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” Interesting. The way to rest in Christ is servanthood. It is taking on the yoke. It was easy to serve Brother Hyles. It was never burdensome. It was never a “task.” It was my delight and the by-product was a close relationship with Him. The way we get comfortable with God is by taking on His yoke.

This contemplative style of Christianity is nothing more than what the charismatics do. It is based upon feelings and emotions. We have contemplative Bible reading where we feel God speaking to us. Well, faith does not come by feeling. It comes by hearing. We have contemplative prayer where we listen for God to speak to us. Friend, that is not what prayer is. That is nothing more than seeking for a “word of knowledge” without calling it that.

The Bible is where God speaks to us and through His Spirit we are led to understand His Word. Prayer is where we speak to God. Quiet time is important but you will not build a close relationship with the Lord during quiet time. You will build it throughout the day by obeying what you learned in that quiet time.

This touchy-feely Christianity today has led to error and compromise and a false notion of what it means to be close to God. We “praise and worship” Him on Sundays and it feels good, then we go out and comfortably live in direct contradiction to the Scriptures. We make this generation feel good by telling them that relationship is all that matters and anyone who says otherwise is just a legalist. “Ignore those fundamentalists because they are just about rules and not relationship.”

Well, my friend, I am 67 years old and I have to tell you that I am more at rest with God today than I have ever been. I cannot tell you that He calls me a friend but I can tell you that He has given the peace that comes from living a life in obedience to Him. Some day when I stand before Him I hope he says, “Well done Bob, my good and faithful SERVANT. You were faithful in a few things and you proved to be a good friend.”

Original article can be found at

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  1. Wow. Did this article miss the boat. The issue is not if you’re a friend or wife. The point of the statement is that it’s a relationship, not a religion that saves you, i.e.: if you only have works you are going to hell. You need to have a relationship with a personal Saviour and be known of Him. Seems like the author misunderstood the statement from the get go.

  2. I suspect an issue of semantics. We are using the word “relationship” in 2 different ways.

    My son is my son whether he is obedient or not. Nothing will change the fact that my son is my son. Nothing. We don’t always have the best communication and he isn’t always obedient, but he is ALWAYS my son. He was born that way. He doesn’t try to obey me in order to keep his relationship status as my son and I’m never going to disown him.

    Same spiritually. I was born again as a child of God. Not by any works that I have done, not by religious effort, but by the grace of God. Nothing, not my obedience, nothing can change my RELATIONSHIP with God as my Father and He will never disown me. I don’t always have the best communication with God because of my disobedience, but NOTHING can change the fact that I have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ and it is all by God’s grace. I didn’t initiate the relationship and I can’t end the relationship, and although personal effort on my part is expected even that is ultimately the work of God’s grace within me (1 Corinthians 15:10).

    That’s what we mean by saying Christianity is a relationship and not a religion of works. We use that phrase in order to clearly contrast Biblical Christianity to false religions where spiritual status is derived from our own good works. We need to be careful we don’t give the impression that our relationship with God is a result of our own personal effort rather than the gift of God’s grace. We love Him BECAUSE He first loved us and gave us His Son and made us His children. We don’t love Him in order to become His children. In fact, it is our adoptive relationship with God (again, a gift of God’s grace and not anything that we earned) that drives our obedience, just as my son obeys me because I’m his father.

    Anything else and we borderline on a false gospel.

  3. The article, “Why Christianity Is NOT A Relationship”, is preaching a Gospel of WORKS and LEGALISM!

    The author of that website is automatically ANATHEMA! All Christians MUST avoid him!

    “8 But though we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel unto you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed.

    9 As we said before, so say I now again, if any man preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed.” – 1 Galatians 1:8/9!

    This professed fundamental Baptist, by preaching that the essence of Christianity is obedience to divine law, is preaching a legalistic gospel contrary to the very one Paul the Apostle preached about salvation by Grace ALONE through Faith ALONE! The author is therefore a TRAITOR to the Protestant Reformation!

    When you deny the faith, God puts you under the Romans One Curse: which means you can no longer control your sins of immorality and disobedience, even if you do try to keep the law of God exactly as it reads in the Bible: because the greatest sin you are committing is that of HERESY against the Gospel.

    • Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. (James 1:19) We are indeed saved as Ephesians 2:8-9 says: For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast, but consider verse 10: For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. Also consider II Corinthians 5:17, I John 2:3-5, John 14:23-24. Titus 2:11-12, James 2:14-26. These verses are not saying we are saved by works, but rather that true faith produces a new man and therefore good works FOLLOW. A faith that produces no change is not the true faith. (Titus 1:15-16) Put simply; if saved you will still have faults and struggles but you will have a desire to keep God’s word and to live righteously.

  4. Wow. Great article. It is important to keep Relationship with God and Obedience to God in proper perspective. God is actively pursuing a relationship with man and it is up to us how we respond. If we want to cultivate and build on that relationship, then we must do so through obedience. We first enter into relationship with God when we accept what Christ did for us. We must come to God on his terms. We cannot have a relationship with God without first taking the step of obedience through faith. We should also be pursuing a deeper relationship with God. This only comes as we Trust and Obey Him.

  5. The title pulled me in and I get it.

    I have a relationship with God the Father through Jesus Christ. He is good all the time. My closeness to Him is based on my willing obedience to Him. Yes, you have a relationship but how good is it is based on how close you follow or to the point – obey. John 10

    I trust Him enough to know what is best that I follow His instruction even when I can’t see what is over the horizon. He is the Good Shepard. Why do I trust Him? Because He willingly took my place and died for me. The proof of His authority is that He arose.


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